A shamrock is not a four-leaf clover

OK, I'll bite: What does a four-leaf clover have to do with St. Patrick's Day?

I ask because on the "Monday" part of the seven-day forecast, Channel 13 has been running a little icon of a rainbow ending in a pot of gold, surrounded by four-leaf clovers. Now, I understand the rainbow and the pot of gold. According to television commercials, which is where I get most of my information, Leprechauns (the technical name for Irish people) keep their pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. But that still doesn't explain the four-leaf clover.

If they were shamrocks, well, then I'd understand. Because according to legend, when St. Patrick came to Ireland to Christianize the natives, he used the shamrock to explain the Holy Trinity. Just as the shamrock has three leaves emanating from one stem, Patrick explained, God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit all spring from the same source. They are all one and the same. He didn't say anything about four-leaf clovers.

This is the point where you sputter something about the "luck of the Irish," and I call you a dumbass.

The Keith Murphy Bible Hour

Look, you know I love Keith Murphy, right? The sports anchor at Channel 13? Unlike most local sports guys, he's actually funny. He'll talk shit about Bachman, Kiernan, Kirk Ferentz, St. Zach, pretty much anyone, and it's always a riot. It's when he tries to be poignant that he gets into trouble. Tonight, talking about Appalachian State's historic victory over Michigan in college football, Murphy said, "This is one of the reasons we love sports: Sometimes, David beats Goliath."

Aw, don't make me go all biblical on you, Keith. Read your Book of Samuel. David will always beat Goliath. Because it isn't a David-and-Goliath story unless David beats Goliath. If he doesn't, then it's just Goliath of Gath, all six-cubits-and-a-span of him, kicking ass and chewing bubble gum.

We have met the stalker, and it is us

One of the top stories on Channel 13's noon news today was that police were following up on a report of a strange man who was seen taking pictures of women in the the downtown skywalks. Downtown businesses are so alarmed by this that they are alerting their employees to Mace the living shit out of anyone who even looks like he might have -- or own -- a camera.

The piece included comments from the police department's PIO, Sgt. Todd Dykstra, who said that they want to know what the guy was up to and that it's conceivable he could be charged with harassment. I have no doubt that Dykstra knows damn well that there's almost no way to make such a charge stick if all the guy was doing was takin' pitchers o' purty gurls in the skywalks. (The Supreme Court has made it abundantly clear that you have no presumption of privacy in a public place. That's why the authorities, and quasi-authorities like Wal-Mart security, are allowed to keep you under surveillance pretty much from the time you step out your front door.) But I understand why Dykstra said what he did: He'd just as soon not have the skywalks filled with weirdos taking pictures of random women. (The Supreme Court also says it's OK for the police to fudge the truth when their heart is in the right place.)

Which brings us back to the reason Channel 13's report this afternoon was unintentionally hilarious. Someone was stalking the skywalks with a camera, shooting pictures of random women. What did Channel 13 do for visuals for this story? It had someone stalk the skywalks with a camera, shooting footage of random women. If I was Todd Dykstra, I'd have Tased that sumbich.

Back at the studio, fifth-string Channel 13 anchorman Patrick Dix was utterly oblivious to the irony. John Bachman would have been all over that shit.